Old Humor: Age and Success

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

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Old Humor: New Baby

yet another old story:

Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.

The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, “I don’t feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this.” So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wusses. He tells her, “Take another pill. This isn’t hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away.” So she does. Now they are both feeling great.

A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

Old Humor: Three Tortoises

Another old story:

Three tortoises, Phil, John and Dave, decide to go on a picnic. So Dave packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Dave unpacks the food and beer.

“OK Phil give me the bottle opener.”

“I didn’t bring it,” says Phil. “I thought you packed it.”

Dave gets worried, He turns to John, “Did you bring the bottle opener?”

Naturally John didn’t bring it. So they’re stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Dave and John beg Phil to go back for it.

But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Phil sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn’t back and Dave and John are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn’t back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can’t take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Phil pops up from behind a rock and shouts……..

“I KNEW IT!!. ………………….I’M NOT F**KING GOING!”

Old Humor: The Electric Chair

Another old story:

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

Time Lapse Videos using FFMPEG

I’ve been creating time lapse videos using FFMPEG from the output of a GoPro camera since the beginning of summer. I have always been interested in the output but not had easy methods of creating them until recently.

I like the result best when I have the GoPro set to take one image every 5 seconds, and then I have FFMPEG create a default MP4 file at 25 frames per second. The standard GoPro battery seems to record just about two hours worth of full resolution images in my Hero 3+ Black, which works out to just about a minute of video.

My first video using this method was of the sunset over Elliott Bay taken through the window of the elevator waiting room where I live, on the 13th floor.

I’ve written a program that copies the default GoPro image file names to a sequence that starts with image number 0000 so that FFMPEG will recognize a starting sequence with the default globbing method.

An example command line I use to start FFMPEG is:

ffmpeg -i \\MyServer\Pictures\GoPro\Sunset2\Wim%04d.JPG \\MyServer\Pictures\GoPro\Sunset2\Sunset2.mp4

That command line will actually create a video that has a resolution of 4000×3000, which is the resolution I’m taking the individual pictures. I could have specified to FFMPEG to reshape the output, or trim it.

The second video I created using this method was of a sunrise in essentially the same location.

https://trac.ffmpeg.org/wiki/Create%20a%20video%20slideshow%20from%20images has good examples of some of the options.

The most recent video was created after I purchased a suction cup mount for my GoPro. I went to the 17th floor and read a book during the hour before sunset.

Several things are apparent in this process.

  • I need a black out curtain surrounding the camera to block reflections when the light is directed at the camera. The camera has been positioned flush against the surface of the glass, but the thickness of the glass creates reflections inside the glass itself.
  • videos with weather are much more interesting than just the movement of the sun itself.
  • I have been turning on the WiFi in the camera to make sure I’ve positioned the camera correctly. I need to try turning off the WiFi to see how it affects the battery rundown length.
  • I need to change the picture frequency to a longer or short time-span to see if the battery life is affected at all.

Old Humor: Play Your Age

Another saved story:

A woman is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, “What horrible luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A gentleman next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, “I don’t know… Why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replies, “I don’t know, buddy…. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!”

Old Humor: Jesus & Satan Programming Contest

I’m cleaning up old text files on my machine and came across this story..

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, “THAT’s IT! I have had enough and I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed
They e-mailed with attachments
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster then hell! Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured and, of course, the power went off!

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed!

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted. Satan searching frantically, screaming……. “It’s gone! It’s ALL GONE! “I lost everything when the power went out!

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait!” he screamed…. “That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”

God just shrugged and said, “Jesus Saves.”

I don’t know the origin. If you can legitimately claim it, I’ll definitely add an attribution.